Five Banger Power Poll

Brett Whitehead
May 14, 2014

Five Hour Energy, aka Five Bangers, recently released a new cherry flavor that caused us to re-visit the Five-Hour Energy Flavor Power Poll from last year.

1. Pink Lemonade

Undoubtedly the best Five Hour Energy flavor. Pink Lemonade was supposed to be a limited time release to support Breast Cancer, but if they took it away now I would write a letter to Five Hour Energy and complain. Besides, this flavor is the best of both worlds, since you get banged with five hours of sweet, heart-racing energy, and you get to bang cancer research. #BANGCANCER!!

2. Cherry

Thatís right, Iím going for it. The cherry flavor is the perfect mix of artificial flavoring without that metallic poison-taste that most five bangers are known for. Its label is also the American Flag, which makes the first two entries in the power poll responsible and patriotic. #BANGAMERICA!!

Cherry
Figure 1: Cherry: Bang America!

3. Green Apple

Small disclaimer here. Green Apple is the only extra strength flavor of Five Hour Energy on this list because Green Apple only comes as a megabanger. Megabangers are not to be trifled with. Neal has said that he doesnít like drinking 5 bangers when heís not drinking beer because the excess caffeine makes him feel weird, which is a condition I like call the 5 Hour Energy Jitters. The jitters make you feel restless, like your bones are going to jump out of your skin. I donít get the jitters anymore, but that could be because Iím the kind of person who buys Five Hour Energy to see how they taste. And to that extent, Green Apple is delicious.

4. Grape

Ray and I basically have the same style, in that we both wear the same four t-shirts and never wash our pants. A few years ago, Ray started wearing track jackets, and I started to think that maybe I should wear them too since he looked so good in them. Turns out that unlike Ray, I look like Iím wearing a trash bag that tapers at every end. Maybe track jackets are just Rayís thing. I bring this up because I think that Grape Five Bangers are my track jackets. Everyone else thinks theyíre gross, but I love them. They taste like medicine, and I donít mean that in a bad way. When I am tasked with buying a group of Five Hour Energies for a party of energy-seekers, sometimes I like to get a variety of flavors and let people choose; but other times I like getting all grape, just to see everyoneís disappointment when I come back. (Pro tip: Mix one of these bad boys with Dogfish Head peanut butter vodka for a surprisingly delicious PB&J martini. -ed.)

5. Raspberry

The most neutral of all flavors. Raspberry also helps breast cancer, but not any more than Pink Lemonade so thereís no reason to buy it. It is also disappointing because after Pink Lemonade which was great like Spiderman 2, Raspberry was stupid and lame just like Spiderman 3, so much so that it almost ruined the first one if the first one wasnít so timeless and you know what you get the point.

6. Pomegranate

You know how things are awesome, but then other things come out that are more awesome and then the original thing starts to suck? Thatís Pomegranate Five Hour Energy, and also Spiderman 1. Once upon a time, Pomegranate was this unique flavor that had the world by a string, but then Lemonade and Cherry came out and now Pomegranate is just this gross flavor that you get stuck with when someone weirdly wants the Grape flavor you were hoping no one would choose. Pomegranate also gets extra negative points because I had one freeze in my glove compartment overnight, and now my GPS smells like Pomegranate which is gross.

7. Lemon-Lime

Lemon-Lime is the most boring of Five Hour Energy Flavors, so Iíd like to take this space to comment on the Brutal Horse Debates about self-driving cars that was posted a few days ago. A point I think that was overlooked was that car companies are notoriously resistant to technology that will benefit their product, and especially technology that will take money out of someone else’s pocket. If self-driving cars are truly ubiquitous, car insurance companies will go out of business and we will lose a high percentage of the jobs in our economy which require people to drive. Iím sure the technology will exist, but my guess is that someone buys it and buries it in the desert with the electric car and the flying car, which you know theyíve also invented and wonít let us have either. Anyway, Lemon-Lime sucks.

8. Orange

Orange is only good if youíre mixing it into party drinks, which is a market Five Hour Energy is really missing out on. I know itís irresponsible to market your drink to alcoholics under the premise that they can drink longer, but is that better than what they have now? Just steer into the curve, 5 Bangers.

9. Mixed Berry

I would almost challenge Five Hour Energy to make a worse flavor than Mixed Berry. Itís gross as is, and even grosser when you mix it into a drink. Totally worthless, and always on sale at the super market, which is a real Sophieís Choice. Also, this is a good time to note that the best places to buy Five Bangers are definitely the pharmacies. Once you get past all the useless medicine, 5 Bangers are usually on sale for $8 for a four pack. Thatís .40 cents per hour!!

brett.whitehead@brutalhorse.com
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