Brutal Horse's Urban Dictionary

Neal Gee
January 13, 2013

We here at Brutal Horse have developed our own vernacular through years of drunken—and sober—escapades. This running post is our way of bringing everyone else into the foal. Non-thoroughbreds need not apply.

Big cat in a cage: Like most of the references on this list, this one’s about drinking. When imbibing, we’re all big cats. We’re circling around our cage, pawing at the lock, looking for a way out. Perhaps we’re grooming ourselves, perhaps not. But one thing’s important: this cat is ready to party. Now will someone open the cage?! Originated by William Brown, Delaware County vernacular king.

Big cat out of the cage: Watch out! There’s a wild animal on the prowl. A cat out of the cage is a force to be reckoned with. The cat is liable to order Ol’ Veronicas, sing Thunder Road standing on a bar stool, and gratuitously hug. As we get older, the cat doesn’t come out of the cage nearly as much, but when it does . . .

Bitter American: A delicious pale ale by 21st Amendment brewery that is the definition of a session beer. The best part? Of course it’s the can with that awesome monkey in a space suit. The official summer, spring, fall, and winter beer of Brutal Horse. See also Blime.

Black bear: A black bear is a euphemism for someone that is blacked out drunk. Being blacked out is not fun, and is often the cause of much anxiety the next day. The solution? Well, the obvious one is don’t drink so much, but we here at Brutal Horse have instituted a welcome alternative, because let’s face it, when the cat is out of the cage, there’s no putting him back in. The aforementioned alternative is to skillfully time a text message to the black bear the next morning to comfort him, saying something along the lines of “Hey man, you’re a great guy and did absolutely nothing wrong last night.”

Black out: Drunk to the point of losing all awareness of one’s surroundings and recollection of the spectacle the next day. Probably killed a large number of brain and liver cells in the process.

Blime: Short for Bud Light Lime. Much easier and quicker to order a Blime (1 syllable) than a Bud Light Lime (3 syllables). However, this term is likely only to be understood by the bar keeps at Dead Presidents. The official summer beer of Brutal Horse. See also Bitter American. Derivative of Diet Bud, a nickname of Bud Lights coined by William Brown.

Blime bomb: Shot of Southern Comfort and lime dropped in a Bud Light Lime. Yum.

Blime time: Time for a Blime!

Brown bear: A brown bear is a bear that is experience patchy senility and dementia from drinking. They may retain a certainly level of awareness of their surroundings, and recollection the following day. Brown bears are often fun to be around, but they can easily progress to the black bear, which is definitely a liability.

Brown out: Drunk to the point of partially losing situational awareness and memory of the event. A common phrase uttered by the brown bear is something along the lines of “I remember leaving the bar, and going to bed, but I have no idea how I got home.” Yikes. (Originated by “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” a show Neal Gee does not watch. -ed.)

Brutal Horse: Statute in Denver which is the inspiration of Brutalhorse.com and matching tattoos sported by Brett and Ray. The original statue, named Blue Mustang, was a point of derision in Denver prior to its erection, mostly for it being intimidating and bright blue, and less so for falling on its creator and killing him. (TRUE STORY!!!)

Camp Dracula: A punk rock band from the mid to late 2000s that rightfully won the Delaware battle of the bands, but was robbed due to it being a popularity contest. Brutal’s Horse’s founders and editors Brett Whitehead and Raymond O’Connor were also co-founders of Camp Dracula. Fan favorite songs have included Hot Cop, Hose Down, Stumpin, and Eat Your Heart Out John McLean (or Cougar Mellancamp depending on your album preference).

Chief: A chief is a mensch, a good guy. To be called a chief is both a sign of respect and friendship. Commonly it is used as an ending to a sentence, e.g., “What are you up to tonight, Chief?” However it can also lead a sentence just as effectively: “Chief, what are you up to tonight?” Proper placement is honed after years of practice. See also Mac. (This term is used solely by Neal Gee -ed.)

Coal master (mistress): This largely symbolic role has the charter of beginning and concluding a game of stack the coals, and serving as the referee and mediator during game play.

CR Mc_____: CR Hooligans is a sports bar attached to Catherine Rooneys in Trolley Square, Wilmington. For a period of about nine months, Brett consistently dragged people there for happy hour, Friday nights, and any other group event that required a place that sold hot wings and draft beer. Somewhere along the line, a regular joke developed whereby the name of the bar became CR Mc “something dirty.” Favorites have included CR McButtplugs, CR McPubesinteeth, and CR McAsstomouth. As for the actual bar, the friendly service and happy hour deals slightly outweigh the gross draft beer and the meat market atmosphere, but not by much. We would probably not go here if not for the joke.

Dead Presidents: What can we really say about Dead Presidents Pub & Restaurant without gushing? Well, it was closed for a while and reopened with new management at one point. Other than that, Dead Presidents is home to Karl, Veronica (Veronica now works at 2 Stones Pub -ed.), and a whole host of welcoming bartenders. They’re the originators of the Ol’ Veronica, a delicious 5-hour-energy infused shot, and the Blime bomb, an even more delicious bomb consisting of a shot of Southern Comfort and Lime dropped in a Bud Light Lime. If all that doesn’t entice you, they have a jukebox and a somewhat hipster clientele that gets annoyed when you play Katy Perry’s album Teenage Dream in its entirety.

Death punch: A delicious mix of orange soda, vodka, fresh fruit, and a six pack of 5 Hour Energy Drinks. Flavor of 5 Hour Energy doesn’t matter as much as you’d think. Brutal Horse recommends death punch served with just a hint of nutmeg.

Deutche-Brett: Not to be confused with douche-Brett, deutche-brett is a Brett who is intellectual, opinionated, and drinking a Bavarian lager. See, regular Brett wearing a shirt with a German flag on it.

Df3k: Drunk fest 3000 sprouted to life during the early days of our Trolley Square escapades. Essentially Df3k was an all day drinking exhibition, whose mottos was “It’s a celebration, not a competition.” It started with a trip to the Hooters around 11am and concluded with Scooter McPoopers at last call. Activities included hanging out on roof top oasis, playing chess and Megaman, and general frivolity. Df3k was also a short-lived brewing venture where, as Brett so eloquently stated “We transfer dirty, stinking water from one pot to another.” Despite talk of a Df6k, it has never materialized, probably because we no longer require an excuse to hang out and drink.

Escalator: The escalator is another alias of Neal Gee that often makes an appearance at the most inopportune times. An escalator will escalate a conversation to an inappropriate level. Probably best demonstrated through this example.

Brett: “Hey let’s all go to Dead Presidents for dinner.”
Jess: “Yea guys I’m really in the mood for that.”
Neal Gee: “Why don’t we instead kill the president, eat his body, and then hit up a strip club.”
Brett and Jess: “You’re uninvited.”

European dancing boots: Neal Gee and James decided one evening to go out for one beer and call it a night. As it was raining, so Neal Gee just grabbed Joanna’s black oversized rain boots and threw them on without knowledge that about five hours from that point he and James would go down in the history of Trolley Square as the two straight dancing queens of the only gay bar in Wilmington. What happened in between? A lot of crotch grabbing, face slapping, rain boot questioning, and alcohol. Lots of alcohol. James respectfully explained Neal Gee’s rain boots as European dancing boots, which were never again doubted.

Famous Turds: Famous Turd’s (aka Famous Tims Tavern) is Neal Gee’s favorite bar in Trolley Square. Why? Because of the $3 any drink, all day policy. Yes, you can order a Scotch and Soda, Bitter American, or glass of wine all for the low price of . . . $3. Now you would think that this would have instantly become the place for the crew to go. Not so, I’m afraid. Probably due to the terrible seating (Brett has informed the owner, btw, who promptly gave us a shot of Fireball), odd clientele (Uncle George excluded), and weird mix of country and classic rock music being played just when you are in the mood to hear Ke$ha. But, when the question is floated “Where should we go tonight?” Famous Turd’s will always been thrown out there by Neal Gee for consideration. At the very least, it can serve as an effective warm up before migrating to Dead Presidents.

Five banger: A 5 hour energy, the official energy shot of Brutal Horse (and pro golfer Jim Furyk, but we endorsed it first, jack!). Much has already been written about these tasty treats on Brutal Horse. See http://www.brutalhorse.com/…/five-hour-energy-will-not-kill-you.

Future us: Delaware Park clientele who provide a foreboding warning to what our lives would be like if we continued going to Delaware Park. Defining characteristics include bald-spots, exposed butt-cracks, extreme weight in either direction, and general loserness.

Gert(ie): So in an effort to extend the chief, mac, jack, smedley, etc. terminology, Brett one time called me Gertie. I don’t think it has ever been used again, but clearly it resonated, so it is in the dictionary. To be called Gertie is probably equivalent to someone saying, “Hey, I know you like watching The Golden Girls, but can you pry yourself off the couch, change your Depends, and come hang out with us?” (Joanna would like to receive credit as the originator of Gert. -ed.)

Get after it: To get after it is to throw caution to the wind, and drink like you are not a Gertie.

Hangover Depression: The feeling of depression that sets in after a night of fun and revelry. Best cure includes having your friends call you and tell you how nice you are. Worst cures include watching Promethius or the newest Nightmare on Elm Street remake.

Hot toddy: A whiskey-based nightcap served warm. Can be mixed with either lemons, simple syrup, and cloves (our preference) or hot tea. Often is a welcome concluding beverage on a cold night when preceded by copious amounts of beer. A hot toddy requires time to properly prepare and serve. Don’t make the mistake of ordering one at the peak of the night at Dead Presidents, or you may be refused.

Jack: Jack is the antonym to Mac. To call someone a Jack is to express disappointment and frustration with that individual or the situation. For example, “Listen here, jack, you charged me for the side dish when you said it was included!” See also Smedley. (Also the name of Ray’s one-eyed, bat-shit crazy Boston Terrier! -ed.)

Jeremy Rose: see Make em say g’night.

Jewbama: Deceptively inappropriate term used by a wedding guest to describe Brett after giving the best-man speech at Ray’s wedding, the rationale being that Brett spoke like Obama (a little wrong) and was Jewish (very wrong). Now the nickname of the person who made up the term.

Just Feces: Much has been said about this, but little written. Well, fellow readers, prepare to be knocked off your chair. Coming back from a tubing adventure, in a van with Ray, Erin, Brett, Jess, Joanna, and several strangers, an epiphany came to Neal Gee. What if there was a store that sold only poop? Further what if we called the store Just Feces? Well, the reception was overwhelming to say the least, mostly with criticisms like “Who would pay for poop?” and “Why would anyone go into a store that would no doubt have an odor issue?” and “Who would ever issue a business license to you?” (Also, “What the hell is wrong with you, Neal?” -ed.) Minor details aside, Neal Gee is still convinced this is a brilliant idea and will one day open this store in a strip mall in Delaware. And for you turd connoisseurs, we will have a special selection of rare stool in our endangered feces section.

Local on the 8s: Local on the 8s is the name of Neal and Brett’s jazz duo that has so far only performed in Brett’s basement while Jess and Linda were upstairs. The running joke is listeners will have a 70% chance of hearing gooooood music.

Mac: Like a chief, a mac is a mensch. Mac is probably the most commonly used slang term of affection within the Brutal Horse community. For variety (or as an act of dissonance) Neal Gee likes to use the word chief. Either way, a chief or a mac is definitely someone that we here at Brutal Horse like to hang out with. See also chief. (Originated by Brett & Ray’s boss at their first high school job at a failing Italian restaurant. Common usage included “Hey mac, can you clean the walk-in? Thanks mac!” -ed.)

Make em say g’night: Okay, this definition requires some back-story. To understand this fully you need to realize that Brutal Horse loves the horse track and betting on the ponies. There is this one jockey, Jeremy Rose, that consistently jockeys there and has amassed a satisfactory overall record. Well, on one of our many, many trips to the track, we overhear some weirdo screaming “Jeremy Rose, make ‘em say good night!” over and over. And exactly what does this mean? Not entirely sure, but probably the obvious answer is Jeremy Rose, you should jockey that horse in a superior fashion to your competitors, and ensure victory is achieved through patience, virtue, and a gentle flogging of the equine. Since then, if Jeremy Rose jockeys a horse in a race, it is expected that you 1) bet on him to win, and 2) yell out this expression.

Navigator: Neal Gee was deemed the navigator after a jaunt up to Philly to see Jess’s art exhibition. After getting themselves completely turned around in Center City, the navigator promptly started calling out directions which immediately got them out of the city and onto I95 South. The navigator generally only makes an appearance when friends are in need of driving directions, otherwise it is just plain ol’ Neal Gee.

Ol’ Brettski (proper): There are many faces to this complex man, and depending on the exact type of hang you have with Brett, Ol’ Brettski may make an appearance. Ol’ Brettski is characterized by a relaxed demeanor, snappy dress (usually in a well fitted hoodie), and an exceedingly full beard. See also Deutche-Brett.

Ol’ brettski (informal): A mixed drink made by Ol’ Brettski usually consisting of anything he can find in your fridge. Based on the Theory of Two Flavors, which is that any two conflicting flavors can cancel out even the worst flavors of liquor.

Ol’ Veronica: When Veronica worked at Dead Presidents she would frequently encounter the Brutal Horse rabble-rousers at the wee hours of the morning demanding a shot made with a five banger and alcohol. Her answer? A delicious fruit and vodka infused energy shot. Interestingly the two factions of stimulant and depressant would cancel each other out, so the net effect was a wasted five banger and three bucks on a shot. But still, when the big cats are looking to come out of their cages, an Ol’ Veronica is a certainty.

Oreoman: Oreoman is a super hero made of Oreo cookies. He is often seen fighting Hydroxman. May also be the one man that would cause Jess to leave Brett.

Philly Brett: Have Brett will travel? Yes! When Neal Gee strays from Trolley Square he looks to comfort himself by identifying Bretts in other locales to bond with. Philly Brett, as the name implies, is the Brett of Philadelphia. He is gregarious, bearded, out going, and loves to drink. There was also a Portland Brett. Unfortunately, these pseudo-Brett’s tend to offend real Brett, so they are rarely mentioned in real Brett’s company (who is the best Brett of all).

Polar bear: A polar bear ranges from someone that is stone cold sober, to a healthy drinker that is still fully cognizant of his or her surroundings. Polar bears are always welcome company to hang out with, but secretly we always hold out hope that one polar bear will turn into a brown bear.

Rooftop oasis: Neal Gee used to live in the third floor of a three unit multiplex in Trolley Square. The apartment had slanted ceilings, window unit air conditioners, and was the size of a mid-sized sedan. Even with those limitations, it was the greatest apartment in Trolley Square because you could crawl out of the bathroom window onto an adjacent rooftop to drink beers and grill food. It didn’t matter that there were roaches everywhere, or that it was covered in tar making it excruciatingly hot, or even that you had to climb out of a small bathroom window to get out to the roof. It was a fantastic place to hang out, drink Bud Light Limes and enjoy the company of friends. Neal has since moved to the second floor of the unit and now has a spacious, gorgeous, and infinitely less fun porch.

Scooter McPoopers (née Scooter McGooters): Scratch McGoos is a dive bar in Trolley Square that the Brutal Horse crew used to frequent a lot more before Dead Presidents was discovered. The selling point behind McPoopers is an outside patio where not only can you drink but also smoke. One time Neal Gee smoked some girl’s entire pack of Camel Crushes while she was at the bar. But I’ve digressed. McPoopers should still be an option on the table, as the $10 buckets of Miller Light always set the tone for a fun and interesting evening.

Scuttle: Okay this is a real word, but it deserves special mention as one epic hang out session in the wee hours of the morning we decided it would be super funny to deliberately sink James’ boat (as he could not sell it) so he can collect insurance money. Have we done it? No, because that would be insurance fraud, per Brutal Horse’s legal counsel. Do we still joke about it? Hell yea.

Smedley: A Smedley is like a Jack, only more so. If you don’t know what that means, don’t ask me, cause neither do I. Smedley is used more in jest than Jack is used, but the effect is still jarring. Use this term with caution as you can definitely ruin someone’s day by calling him or her a Smedley. See also Jack.

Stack the coals: So stack the coals is a game that our friend James invented one evening when we were having a fire pit at Brett and Jess’s. The game of stack the coals entails taking the alien arm (i.e., fire poker) and grabbing an ember from the pit to stack on other embers. It is a great way to spend an evening while drinking. The game ends where there are no more embers to stack or the coal master has called the official end. Despite sounding like a rather innocuous and harmonious game, stack the coals frequently escalates into heated taunting and jousting of words to phase out the other players. Unfortunately this has also precluded the game from being played anymore. See also coal master.

That’s boat living: Our friend James lived on a boat, as you loyal readers of Brutal Horse know. Among the many jokes that have ensued as a result of this, one of our favorites is to observe something that James does out of the ordinary and attribute it to “boat living.” You’d like some examples? Surely. One time Brett and Neal Gee were going to have brunch at a Tea Room where we encountered James sleeping in his car in the parking lot, with the windows down. “That’s boat living.” Or the fact that for a while James’ entire wardrobe was in the trunk of his Prius. “That’s boat living, mac.” (The more experienced brutal horseman can combine multiple phrases and terms from this dictionary)

Would you rather: Most Brutal Horse jokes involve drinking, the horse track, or drinking at the horse track. This joke came about on a trip to go drinking at the horse track. It started out rather innocuously: “Would you rather get shot or stabbed?” but quickly escalated into the gutters of jokedom: “Would you rather eat a feces sandwich or have diarrhea pumped into your veins?”

neal.gee@brutalhorse.com
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The Ringer, album by Camp Dracula