Hammers v. Man U FA Cup Extravaganza!

Jess Whitehead
January 13, 2013

So, I have to admit Iíve been a shit West Ham reporter. I think the last time I wrote anything was when the club signed Andy Carroll in August (who btw has been an injured mess all season). Since then, the Hammers have had some highs and lows, but now, here at the January trading window, Iím feeling pretty good about our team. Weíre holding solidly mid-table, and winning some games we probably shouldnít. Weíre also losing games we shouldnít, but whatever.

In this segment, I will be reporting “live” on a week-old game that my husband DVRed for me and I still donít know the outcome. The game is West Ham at home versus English Premier League leader Manchester United in a FA Cup game. The last time we won the FA Cup was in 1980, so yeah. West Ham picked up a new player from Liverpool, Joe Cole, who will be starting in this game. He is a small. When I saw the team come out, I actually wasnít sure if he was a player or a child. He started his career at West Ham, left for more money and most recently played for Liverpool before coming back home to West Ham. Not totally sure why Cole came back, but maybe he was tired of sitting on the bench for a crappy team.

I always like the atmosphere at Upton Park, West Hamís home ground. The bubble floating through the air and the enthusiastic, chanting crowd. Man United dominated play in the first 10 minutes, until West Ham got a corner. They are just so good on corners. No goal this time, but a very, very near miss. The corner seemed to have settle the team, and lots more opportunities for possession and scoring start to appear.

Cleverley scores first for Manchester United in the 21st minute. Really a great goal, with a clean, fast cross from the right. Iím actually pleased by this, I hate being up one-nil, especially so early in the game. Just a few short minutes later, the equalizer occurs! Capitalizing on a set-piece, Joe Cole supplies an excellent cross to defender, James Collins, who sends in an absolutely cracking header. This is his first goal of the season, and he seems totally nonplussed. Now weíve got a game. You can hear it in the crowd. I hope Man U is scared.

First half ends with at 1-1. Ok and at this point, I have to be honest, Iíve totally lost interest in this game, because Iím hungry and my catís laying on my arm purring in this incredibly cute way. And because of that, I completely missed the second West Ham goal, which unbelievably was LITERALLY THE EXACT SAME as the Hammers first goal. Cross from Joe Cole, headed in by Collins. WTF. Thatís just bizarre. Iím so pumped at this stroke of luck, but this is going to be a really hard lead to hold onto. I would not be surprised to see another Man U goal, in fact, Iím kind of betting on it.

Several minutes later, Joe Cole gets a bloody nose, and I learned from the announcer that you canít play with blood on your shirt. Thatís a rule apparently. Robin van Persie is warming up for Man U, and I swear to god if he gets on the field and scores a goal I will throw this computer at the TV and then throw both the TV and the computer in the trash. Joe Cole leaves the pitch around the 75 minute and gets a standing ovation. The people love Joe Cole. He needs a smaller shirt.

Kevin Nolan is wearing dark colored briefs and also has a laugh on the pitch. Collison (pronounced COLL-ee-son, not like the car crash) made yet another wild shot on goal. Iím not really sure why weíre giving him the ballÖ And I just saw Matt Taylor on the field, who looks remarkably like Cameron Diaz. Itís like an episode of New GirlÖ all my quirky friends just paling around.

Ok, weíre heading towards stoppage time. Man United has still not put up the equalizing goal Ė oh waitÖ.just kidding. Literally at the 90th minute, Robin van Persie gets a super long ball from Ryan Gibbs and nails it into the back of the net. He is the living worst. I hate you RVP.
I do love West Ham though. They played hard and gave it their all. And a tie with Manchester United isnít the worst thing that could happen. Keep those FA Cup title dreams alive, you Hammers!

jess.whitehead@brutalhorse.com
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