Brutal Horse: One Year In

Brett Whitehead
October 5, 2012

I recently found myself discussing 80’s nostalgia with a friend of mine with whom I customarily discuss 80’s nostalgia. The natural evolution of that conversation turned to ALF, a sitcom which centered on a wise-cracking alien who lived with a suburban family. Via this conversation, I was reminded that the series ALF ended on a strange and sad cliffhanger. During the last episode, the audience learned that two parties were trying to get a hold of ALF. The first was his home planet of Melmac, which was seeking to take him home. The other was the Alien Task Force, which was a government agency seeking to, and I quote “see how [ALF] responds to intense heat, freezing cold, high voltage, toxic substances, pain, sleep deprivation, inoculation [that’s needles], and, of course, dissection.” At the end of the episode, ALF and his human friends put him in position to go home, but at the last moment, the government appears and takes ALF into custody for torture and dissection. Oddly enough, this was the series finale of ALF as the show was cancelled in the interim.

Approximately one year ago, Ray and I opened the doors on Brutalhorse.com with an article about Five Hour Energy. See, http://www.brutalhorse.com/…/five-hour-energy-will-not-kill-you. Since that opening, we covered topics including but not limited to; professional wrestling, horse racing, Olympics, West Ham Soccer, the sexiness of Jake Gyllenhall, casual vandalism, competitive binge drinking, and crochet water animals. Some of those articles, however, remain open ended. For reasons ranging from convenience to embarrassment, we have yet to update those articles without a conclusion. The purpose of this article is to give closure to those articles and avoid the presumption of torture and dissection.

(A) Mascot Wars

Mascot Wars was a surprising success for picking football winners. Against the week 3 spread, picking football games based on which mascot would kill the other went 11-4-1, with the Jets being a push. Against the teaser and superteaser, it was a more impressive 14-2. After the article was posted, I put four $5 bets on parlay, teaser and superteaser bets. Two bets paid off turning $10 into $105. Two other bets, which would have brought in approximately $200.00, were murdered by the Chargers, who are no longer electricity, and the stupid Eagles, which I should have known better than bet in the first place. If this keeps up, expect to see more Mascot Wars in the future.

http://www.brutalhorse.com/articles/33/mascot-wars

(B) Handicapping the Wilmington Mayoral Race

Dennis Willliams won the mayoral election in Wilmington. While the victor was correctly picked, the candidate with the mustache was less of a threat than expected. Kevin Kelly, the runner-up, presumed (and I’m paraphrasing here) that the two white guys cancelled each other out and that he would have won had mustache stayed out of the fray. The hippie candidate came in last.

http://www.brutalhorse.com/…/handicapping-the-wilmington-mayoral-race

(C) 5 Hour ENERGY Will Not Kill You

There is a new flavor of 5 Hour Energy, thus amending the 5 Hour Energy Power Poll. To honor Breast Cancer Awareness Month, a pink lemonade flavor was introduced and the proceeds are being donated to charity. Along with being philanthropic, the new flavor is delicious. I’ve only had it once, but the new power poll is as follows;

  1. Pink Lemonade
  2. Grape
  3. Pomegranate
  4. Orange
  5. Lemon-Lime
  6. Berry. Berry sucks.

http://www.brutalhorse.com/articles/3/five-hour-energy-will-not-kill-you

(D) Holy Crap!

Andy Carroll debuted on September 1, 2012 and helped West Ham United kick the living shit out Fulham 3-0. At the time of this writing, West Ham is 7th in the table and is looking like a strong contender going forward. I’ll save all future updates for Jessie D.

http://www.brutalhorse.com/articles/31/holy-crap

(E) May We Please Have Your Email Address?

Brutal Horse now has a twitter account and our handle is @brutal_horse. Much like American Idol and smoking cigarettes, I severely underestimated the awesomeness of Twitter. I spend most of my time checking up on John Cena and telling Barack Obama that I am drunk. Please follow us so you can hear about my trips to the Newport Furniture Annex.

http://www.brutalhorse.com/articles/14/may-we-please-have-your-email-address

(F) Tony on the Music Beat

In what turned out to be a combination of two articles, the Morrissey Pandora station is fucking awesome. You have to “thumbs down” a lot of boring Cure songs, but the payoff is worth it.
http://www.brutalhorse.com/articles/30/last-of-the-famous-international-playboys
http://www.brutalhorse.com/articles/20/has-alkaline-trio-found-pandora-or-are-they-just-that-diverse

(G) Fantasy Olympics

On the back of both Golds in European Handball, Ray won Fantasy Olympics. Laura, featured in the Wrestlemania article, came in second and I came in third. As a game, Fantasy Olympics was a success. Everyone involved reported a greater interest in the Olympics and enjoyed the setup of the scoring system. The only hang up was that it was hard to draft over email, so try to limit the size of your leagues.


Fantasy Olympics Results.
Fantasy Olympics Results.

http://www.brutalhorse.com/articles/23/fantasy-olympics

(H) The NCAA Formula

Unlike Fantasy Olympics and Mascot Wars, the self-proclaimed infallible formula for the NCAA tournament was an unmitigated disaster. Our projected winner, Missouri, got bounced in the second round and we were done by the end of the first weekend. I credit this article for single handedly destroying this website’s credibility with my Facebook friends.

http://www.brutalhorse.com/articles/16/the-ncaa-formula

(I) The Oral History of the Beer Drinking Royal Rumble

Beer Drinking Royal Rumble 6 was the most attended Beer Drinking Royal Rumble since BDRR 1. Populated by all-stars and rookies alike, BDRR 6 was won by Jeff Ziga, who outlasted an old high school friend who showed up wearing an American Flag cape and a diaper. Eli “Showdown” Shaika was eliminated when he was caught sleeping and did not notice Ziga chugging beers like a maniac. On a sad note, nobody barfed.

http://www.brutalhorse.com/articles/9/the-oral-history-of-the-beer-drinking-royal-rumble

(J) Delaware Power Poll

In news that I unjustly take all the credit for, Delaware newspapers reported that a movie theater is being built at the water front. Also, Dead Presidents still rules.

http://www.brutalhorse.com/articles/13/delaware-power-poll-1

(K) Brutal Horse T-Shirts

Brutal Horse now has t-shirts which were purchased for Ray’s birthday. Made by local vendor Spaceboy, the shirts are printed on American Apparel and they come in many sizes. Unfortunately, these shirts cannot be purchased and can only be earned by submitting an article for publication. We are not picky and welcome all submissions at editor@brutalhorse.com.

(L) Don’t forget about ALF!

Much like the stories listed in this article, ALF also got the ending he deserved. Six years after the final episode, ABC showed Project ALF, the epic final chapter to an American classic. As it turns out, ALF was not subject to government testing and was able to escape the government lab. While not executed by government bureaucrats, ALF was unable to meet up with either his home planet or the family who took care of him on Earth. The episode ends with ALF being saved by humans, who begin second guessing their decision when ALF starts acting like a dick. One has to wonder if we were all better off with the original ending after all.

brett.whitehead@brutalhorse.com
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