October 5, 2012

Hello Cats and Kittens,

I just saw Alien, Aliens, and Alien 3. First, some background. I am a 31 year old lady who:

  1. Has never seen these movies until this weekend.
  2. Is afraid of crickets.
  3. Has a low, very low, like Gremlins low, tolerance for horror.

Alright ladies and gents, get your futuristic yet late 1970’s-early-80-\‘s looking panties and see-thru tank top on, ‘cause weíre gonna get wild with it.

Alien was the best one of the three. Hands down. Aliens was good and Alien 3 was just fine, but Alien is the winner. Gold star, blue ribbon, home run. Sigourney Weaver all alone dealing with those mother f’ers was killer. I think the mano-a-mano set up was by far the most thrilling. It was just her and that son-of-a-gun, head to head, wits to force, lady to outer space creature that wants to either (a) eat her, or (b) suck her face and gestate a new little f’er inside her. She didnít have any help. She did it on her own, no back up, and no one came to save her. So what if there was only one of them? That thing was a beast! *SPOILER ALERT*—at the end when she sneaked into that space suit, opened the hatch, blew that alien out of the ship, shot it with a totally awesome grappling gun, and then set it on fire with the rocket engine, well it doesnít get any better for a $2.99 Amazon rental. I loved every minute of that wild ride.

Plus, those face suckers are awesome and I think they are just fantastic. They are so nasty with their creepy finger, fast as lighting legs, and their reptilian tail that will choke you. Iíve decided that if they agree to eat the crickets in my basement they are allowed in the house. Iíll even overlook a little face sucking of my cat.

My only bone to pick—the thing that frankly just pissed me off the whole entire movie start to finish—was that cat “Jonesy.” Come on! That devious stinkiní furball was working with the alien the whole entire movie! Miss Weaver should have thrown that cat out with the rest of the garbage. That thing was worthless. Sigourney, if I can call you that: you are just way too smart and savvy to ever trust such a non-loyal, butt-licking species.

Aliens was good, but the whole premise of the movie was saving that little girl who, SPOILER ALERT, DIES IN THE FIRST 5 MINUTES of the third movie. What a waste of time. Why did I even bother watching the second movie? That filthy little girl wasnít that great anyway.

Alien 3 was fine, but with all due respect, Miss Weaver, can you please not run around alone? For Peteís sake, how many times does the nice and not so nice man have to ask you? I know you face things that want to eat you and/or suck your face and gestate a new being inside you regularly without hardly breaking a sweat, but throwing yourself unprotected in a jail full of incarcerated men who have not seen a woman in years is just, well, it is irresponsible. I hope your mother yells at you when you get home. I guess itís a moot point, since you took your own life and the life of the new gestated being inside of you that could have wiped out the entire human race if you wouldnít have been so brave. Sorry, forgot the SPOILER ALERT for all those thirty-one year old cricket fearing, non-scary movie watchin’ ladies out there.

Next up: The Terminator movies.

Iíll be back.
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