May We Please Have Your Email Address?

Editor, Brutalhorse.com
March 9, 2012

W
e here at Brutalhorse.com are a little behind the times. We donít have a Twitter page. We donít have a Facebook page. There exists little opportunity for people to find our little website, let alone be aware when things are posted. For that reason, we would humbly request your email address so that we may let you know when new articles are put on our website.

Now, I understand that the last thing you probably want is more garbage in your email account, and I can sympathize. A few months ago I bought a suit at Joseph A. Banks, and they barraged my email account with advertisements for months, despite my repeated requests to unsubscribe (which is illegal goddamnit, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CAN-SPAM_Act_of_2003#Unsubscribe_compliance -ed). Even worse, I purchased a pair of shoes off of Zappos.com for a Christmas present and the next morning I did not get advertisements, but instead an email that informed me that my personal information was stolen by hackers [see http://money.cnn.com/2012/01/16/technology/zappos_hack/index.htm].

There are reasons, though, that justify our personal invasion into your privacy. We put a link at the bottom of the site asking email addresses, but that may seem untrustworthy without further explanation. My friend Justin recently asked me why it took 19 pages to write a love letter to a nutritionally vague energy drink. I think I can do the same for this.

A. The Speed of Fad Technology Makes Any Other Option Obsolete. Weíre Trying to Stay Hip.

It goes without saying that technology and the way we communicate is rapidly evolving. It would be easy to illustrate this point by using present examples, but instead letís go backwards. I believe that the most recent example of completely out-dated pop culture is the 2000 movie Road Trip. Road Trip was made 12 years ago with actors who are presently acting in movies and television. It portrays the still-relevant genre of college party-comedy and It could be argued that it was the precipice for movies like Old School and Wedding Crashers. Despite seeming relevant, the entire movie is rendered obsolete by ten years of technology. The following is a quick recap of the plot, with all the obsolete sections highlighted in bold.

A college student films a sex tape on a VHS tape and accidentally mails it to his long-time high school girlfriend. The student cheats on his girlfriend because he cannot get in touch with her through her landline in her college dorm room. Feeling remorseful, the student decides to drive from New York to Texas to steal the tape from the mailman before the girlfriend can watch the VHS tape with her VCR. Calamity ensues when the car they are driving explodes and no one can get in contact with the road-trippers because no one has a cell phone. The only person that has contact with the students is their wacky roommate still at the college, played by Tom Green, an actor who was given his own TV show on MTV because he awkwardly interacted with strangers and filmed it with a video camera. Such conduct made him rich and famous which he parlayed into marrying movie star Drew Barrymore.

Truth be told, itís a strange watch. Ninety percent of the problems encountered in the movie would be resolved just with cell phones. Or a laptop. Or email. Or a GPS. I donít even think Tom Green is anything more than a blip on Tosh.0 in 2012. This is not to say that any movie that doesnít properly reflect our current state of technology should be shelved, but Roadtrip is essentially a modern movie that relies so heavily on outdated technology that it turns out to be more of a dinosaur than it needs to be.

Simply put, we would really like Brutalhorse.com to avoid being a dinosaur. For all the changes in technology and the Internet, it seems unlikely that anyone is going to develop something that phases out email. We do not want rely too heavily on social media because social media changes too quickly for us to keep up. I would direct any conflicting points of view to my old bandís Myspace page: www.myspace.com/seabassinc.

B. Social Media Overexposure Breeds Contempt. Weíre Your Friends, Dude.

For all the good things Facebook has provided, I am most surprised by the amount it makes me hate things solely because of overexposure. Now, Iím not a hateful person by nature and things I hate hearing about on Facebook are often things that I highly enjoy talking to people about in person. These things include: pictures of people partying, people having babies, people hating work, food people like to eat, pictures of peopleís babies, opinions of sporting events, and just generally how people are doing on a daily basis. For reasons I canít explain, hearing just one sentence out of context three times a day on a website makes me irrationally angry. How bad has it gotten? Recently, I became Facebook friends with Star Wars, on the premise that I like Star Wars. Best-case scenario, it tells me when original trilogy marathons are on Spike TV. Worst-case scenario, it just says nothing. Instead, it posts quotes from Episode One three times a day. I am hard-pressed to believe how anyone enjoys that.

I should note that despite these reservations about Facebook, Iím a total hypocrite because Iím not going to do anything about it, and more specifically, Iím not going to cancel my account. I have a friend who I like to email snarky comments about Facebook to, and last week he replied simply that itís not worth complaining about because itís not like Iím going to follow through on my threats to delete my Facebook account anyway. This felt like a challenge, but it turned out to be a challenge I couldnít answer. I even had my finger over the “delete account” button, but couldnít press it. I felt like Chris Rock in New Jack City. [see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UE2tPyGJStQ]. Despite all my complaints and consternation, thereís no way Iím going to delete that account no matter how costly the cost/benefit analysis ends up in the end. So please take this whole paragraph with a grain of salt.

Anyway, we would like to avoid such a negative association with Brutalhorse.com. The principals of Brutalhorse.com may still post updates for articles on their personal Facebook accounts, as we would prefer our Facebook presence be familiar, but welcome. Not a shocking intrusion into your life, but a pleasantly unexpected serving of cute animal pictures on a Tuesday afternoon. To supplement a lax social media presence, we humbly request a way to contact you directly.

Twitter is Weird. Weíre Old and Out of Date.

I donít have a cute anecdote about Twitter, I just know that (1) itís weird (2) I donít understand how it works, and (3) Iím tired of Twitter invading things that I like. Itís like a swarm of locusts. Eavesdropping on celebrities is all well and good, but when Twitter becomes such an intrusive presence in my three favorite TV shows (Sportscenter, the Weather Channel, and WWE Monday Night Raw) that I have to Google terms likes ďhashtagĒ and ďtrendingĒ just to understand whatĎs going on, itís hard to not feel every minute of my increasing proximity toward middle age.

Plus, and this is true with Facebook as well, I find it hard to believe we can compete with the stream of information on most Twitter accounts. My friend is on Twitter and he follows (1) singers in hardcore bands, (2) professional wrestlers, (3) Phillies players, and (4) beautiful women. I doubt heís going to take time away from looking at pictures of the WWE Heavyweight Champion and the singer of Hatebreed to read a scientific analysis of a Jake Gyllenhall movie. So weíre not even going to try to compete.

I should note, however, that if you are proficient in Twitter and would like to manage a Brutalhorse Twitter feed with no help from us, then by all means go crazy, because, for the most part, this whole article is pretext for the following point.

C. We Want to Update You on the Comings and Goings of Brutalhorse.com, but Weíre Lazy.

Itís sad but true. It is not a coincidence that the last article I posted was the three days before Assassinís Creed Revelations was released for Playstation 3. Practically, we donít write on a daily basis but weíd still like to let you know when things are posted. Instead of risking getting lost, weíd just like to tell you directly. Youíre worth that kind of love and attention, right? Hell, I would mail a copy of the articles to you if using the mail wasnít totally impractical and I wasnít lazy.
So please click on the link below and forward your email address so that may let you know when our corner of the world has updates on wrestling, 5 Hour Energy, Horse Racing, Cute Animals, and Brad Paisley. We promise not to inundate you with spam, barrage you with advertisements, or make your social security numbers, credit card numbers, and email address public information. Thank you in advance for your continued support and cooperation.

So what are you waiting for? Enter your email here and we’ll take care of it, we promise.




Love Always,

editor@brutalhorse.com
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